My Conflict with Trust

I would happily encourage people to trust others most of the time but my own personal issues prevent me from following this advice. I always want to and hope to see the good in others and I try so hard to find it. Everyone has some good in them, right?

My greatest struggle is to be able to trust others knowing they will one day walk away. Knowing they could become a stranger or worse still betray you. I hate the fact that I could pour so much trust into someone just to have it all taken for granted or abused. It takes a lot to trust someone and sometimes so little for them to forget that.

On the flip side, life’s too short to spend so much time and energy keeping yourself hidden away. I guess there’s pieces of yourself that are worth hiding and others that aren’t worth the effort of hiding. It’s an amazing release sometimes to just have a rant, let loose and share your thoughts so is it really so harmful? That is my personal trust debate anyway…

Does Happiness Have a Recipe?

It’s difficult to keep throwing out blog posts but especially when you are your own worst critic. I’m critical of myself and my own work to the point of just being downright harsh. Right now however I’m putting those feelings aside in an attempt to reconnect with you all.

What’s been happening for me? I gained two new qualifications and completed two creative writing courses so I’m leaving 2014 feeling accomplished and proud of myself. I set goals for myself and was lucky enough to fulfill my own wishes. The resolution to do this came during the Summer so I also learned that not every great resolution starts on January 1st.

I was foolish enough to think that items were going to make me happy. Then I figured that people might make me happy. Now I get it. I really genuinely get it. I was already happy just the way I was/am without being surrounded by people who drag me down or make me feel bad about myself. I enjoy owning certain items but that enjoyment could never compare to the happiness I feel in the company of my wife. I once wished that I’d be surrounded by a dozen people I could call my friends but when I actually had this I was more miserable than ever. Moral of this story: I don’t need to follow a recipe to make me happy and I certainly won’t find this happiness in others. Luckily, I found it in myself. If you find yourself thinking that having loads of people in your life will make you happy then think again because it may not be as simple as that. I’m looking forward to the future but I’ve started planning it rather than hoping for good things to happen. I’m loving taking control over my journey.

How Much it Means to Matter

Dear friend,

Tomorrow is spaghetti day which is something I’ve been looking forward to even though I was the one who decided it should happen on a Tuesday. I enjoy looking forward to things even if its something as simple as a meal that I’m going to cook myself. I’m not feeling well physically tonight but my mind is at ease. I’ve been cleaning and throwing out unwanted clutter which always seems to lift my mood. Most people get a buzz from getting something new but I actually get more of a thrill from getting rid of things. Even though these items aren’t actually cluttering up anything I still like to call it decluttering because it helps me to feel like there is more order and organisation surrounding me. How are you doing? Is life treating you well and is it everything you want it to be?

Not too long ago I was feeling like any effort I was making to change my life and better myself was going unnoticed or wasn’t good enough. Perhaps this was a bit of a silly idea but it was a feeling which consumed my thoughts greatly back then. I thought that I’d made bad choices career wise but now I see that I’m heading in the exact direction that I’m destined for. I love being able to help people and make meaningful connections with others so a caring profession is right up my street. I’m going to make a difference, I promise. I see that I can be good for others and I can be a trustworthy, inspiring figure in someone’s life.

Why do I want to make such a difference, you ask. I grew up feeling invisible and unwanted. I felt turned away from social groups, family and my own father. I felt like teachers expected too much and couldn’t see how much help I needed. Friends who promised a lifetime of loyalty when we were teenagers gave up on me so easily so I figured in the end that I didn’t have an important place in the world. I felt that my existence was unnecessary and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way so I’m leaving my mark on this world through helping others. It may sound selfish in ways but I genuinely want to see others live their lives how they want to and I want to help other people to find happiness. I hate seeing other people experiencing the same deep emotional pain I felt for so long. Surely I can help to change the path of at least one person.

I look forward to making more meaningful connections with people and having deep conversations. Life left me frayed around the edges but my core remains warm sending flames of life to my worn exterior. Life is a roller coaster, friend, but always hold on tight and you will make it through anything. That’s what I learned anyway. Things get so much better than you’ll ever believe.

Best wishes,
Alesbianspeaks

Alesbianspeaks Wants To Speak To You!

I get that a lot of people often need someone to talk to because they have something on their mind or simply feel lonely. Often it is actually someone you don’t know that can help you the most. I’m no counsellor but I can be a friendly ear. So, if you wanna chat feel free to message me at alesbianspeaks@hotmail.com! 🙂

I’ll reply asap (time zones can get in the way of instant responses). Also, I was considering uploading a picture of myself in a password protected post so this is also the email address you will need to contact me for that password. I’ll let you guys know if and when that post appears.

Being a lesbian is just a part of me but it’s one of the best parts plus it means I get to connect with so many other people from the LGBT rainbow. I often feel like shouting lezbefriends ‘coz I’m not a bit cheesy! For now I’ll keep sharing and reading with you all. Take care of yourselves and have fun!

Missing you, family emergencies and changes

I love you but I must say goodbye – Walking on Cars

You know what wrecks my head? One of the things in life that I still struggle to comprehend… losing people. I am the kind of person that tries so bloody hard to be a good person and a good friend yet the people I was once closest to are now gone. That’s pretty hard to digest. It’s almost impossible to remember such good people without wishing things were the same. I know it may be a childish notion to hope for things to remain unchanging and for people to stay loyal but I know it would make life better in some ways. I miss them so very much. Life goes on but I can’t help questioning how much they really cared, if they ever did.

A few nights ago I had to deal with a very delicate family emergency. I was the one that had to step up and deal with things. Be the strong one for everyone else, be calm, smart and decisive. I realised then that everything had changed. My Mom, aunts and uncles all used to treat me like I was still a child but now I’m the carer and the protector. I always hated that treatment anyway so the change is welcome yet the pressure felt immense. I was out all night until about 5am and ended up in two different hospitals. Trying, helping, in any way I could.

Things are constantly changing so why is that so hard to deal with? Why do I want to hold onto some parts of the past and never let go? It’s a good life that we are all living but the obstacle course is quite a challenge.

Half empty, half full or overflowing?

Today I woke up in a foul mood and because of something insignificant I got annoyed and thought that today was going to be a bad day before it even started. I was never destined to be a psychic, thankfully, and today turned out to be a great day in the end. It was a number of small things that fit together to form a neat little puzzle. When I thought about this puzzle it was the image of a good day.

In the past I was so negative for so long that it became a habit to see every glass and every day as half empty rather than full of possibilities. Negativity consumed me so much. It didn’t achieve anything good. It made me feel so small and worthless. I began to feel like no one (or not many people at least) would even notice or care if I wasn’t around and that’s not a good place to be. I began to think of myself as disposable. I thought that I was a horrible person because I must be if people don’t want to be around me, right? The group of friends I had as a teenager all disappeared leaving me feel like I was never really someone special to them. I realise that people grow apart which is normal, of course,  but I’m the only one from our group of friends that is no longer part of it. I’m the only one that was pushed away. Why? What did I do wrong? Since that group of friends I haven’t been able to maintain a single close friendship. I do try to. I began to think that I wasn’t good enough, fun enough or smart enough for anyone except my wife.

I now find it very difficult to trust others especially when they make promises. A healthy amount of scepticism is probably a good thing. A healthy amount of negativity can act to protect us from bad ideas but it’s our positivity that gives our lives the power to grow. I won’t be dismissing a whole day again because that day can bring you so much happiness if you just let it.