Missing you, family emergencies and changes

I love you but I must say goodbye – Walking on Cars

You know what wrecks my head? One of the things in life that I still struggle to comprehend… losing people. I am the kind of person that tries so bloody hard to be a good person and a good friend yet the people I was once closest to are now gone. That’s pretty hard to digest. It’s almost impossible to remember such good people without wishing things were the same. I know it may be a childish notion to hope for things to remain unchanging and for people to stay loyal but I know it would make life better in some ways. I miss them so very much. Life goes on but I can’t help questioning how much they really cared, if they ever did.

A few nights ago I had to deal with a very delicate family emergency. I was the one that had to step up and deal with things. Be the strong one for everyone else, be calm, smart and decisive. I realised then that everything had changed. My Mom, aunts and uncles all used to treat me like I was still a child but now I’m the carer and the protector. I always hated that treatment anyway so the change is welcome yet the pressure felt immense. I was out all night until about 5am and ended up in two different hospitals. Trying, helping, in any way I could.

Things are constantly changing so why is that so hard to deal with? Why do I want to hold onto some parts of the past and never let go? It’s a good life that we are all living but the obstacle course is quite a challenge.

An update from my les-life: 4 years!

It’s the summer and love is in the air for some. For those of you that have not been lucky in love: never give up. The 26th of June marks our four year anniversary. We are one of those couples that celebrates the day we got together as well as the day we got married. Life is too short to ignore these special moments. Four years ago I would have told anyone that would listen that marriage isn’t for me but now I’m ready to shout from the rooftops that married life is something special. We’ve had our ups, downs, disagreements and joy. We’ve cried together and we’ve laughed until we cried. I will never take this moment and this happiness for granted.

While there is a lot of bad stuff to worry about and sometimes I can’t even do anything to change it, I have decided that right now, in this moment, none of it matters. The past week has been special for me. I had a mother-daughter day out followed by a shopping trip the next day with my better half. We finished the week with a picnic in a beautiful town beside gleaming boats with the sun beaming down on us. Life is good.

Enjoy the people around you and appreciate what you have. Doing this makes life so much more special and beautiful.

Pre-birthday appreciation time

It will be my birthday in a few days and, like every year, I feel so grateful to be alive. With every struggle that I overcame in life I became stronger and grew into the person I am today. I love life and all of its nasty and wonderful surprises. To celebrate life and my happiness, I would like to share five of the many things I am grateful for right now before I get back to complaining again soon…

1. I am grateful for the loyalty and support of my family. Throughout the hardest times in my life they were right there, in my corner, no matter what happened. I was a very depressed child and teenager which wasn’t exactly easy for them to handle at times but even now they still do everything they can for me. My aunts and uncles are like extra parents. Sure, that means that when I did something wrong I wasn’t just facing one lecture but on the plus side I was never short of someone to give me advice.

2. My darling wife. She has been right by my side while I faced some of my greatest challenges. I never thought I would love someone the way I love her. She is the one that has the power to lift my mood and warm my heart. Her happiness means the world to me and I would do anything for her. I have never said that about a girlfriend before which is what makes her special enough to now be my wife.

3. My health is better than it ever was. In 2009 and 2010 I spent a lot of time in hospital or at my doctor’s which resulted in my school work suffering. I wasn’t overjoyed with my exam results in the end but I still got above average results which I can now see as the achievement it was.

4. I feel so lucky to be at the stage of my life where I no longer value material possessions as much as some of my peers seem to. I have enough of what I need and want so that is good enough for me. Too many people get down about not having the best clothes, electronics, etc but these things really don’t matter. After you get that expensive item you so desperately desire then what happens? Will you actually feel happier? Will people actually like you more? I suspect that the answer to these questions is no so why allow mere items to consume your thoughts so much?

5. I truly appreciate the presence of animals in my life. Many of my baby pictures feature our pet dogs, my birthday photos always include my furry friends and I believe that they are fantastic listeners! You can guarantee that they will keep your secrets and will not laugh at your mistakes. Animals are, without a doubt, amazing friends.

Dare we talk about Death?

Do you dare to talk about death? Yes, I know, it’s a horrible topic and no one particularly enjoys talking about it but I think the real problem is that we are so afraid of it. Afraid of facing what happens after our loved ones die or what we may be facing if we were to ever fall ill. I hate the harsh reality of The End. It’s final, it’s terrifying and it’s awaiting all of us…

I pictured my funeral a lot when I was younger. I was going through a rough patch at the time and I was so scared that no one would attend. That was before I realised that dozens of people may attend but what really matters is how many of those people still remember me days, weeks, months and even years later. I want people to remember me for a good reason and I want to be the best person I can be until I am no more. I just finished rereading The Fault in Our Stars which reminded me of the fragility of life. We make plans for all of the biggest occasions in our lives except the most life changing one, well, life ending one.

I have made plans for my funeral simply because I do not want my loved ones to be in a position where they are left feeling lost and confused, worried that they may be making the wrong decisions. It is sensible,  in my opinion,  not morbid. I have made my plans known to the most important people in my life. I trust them to do the right thing with that information. Enjoying life is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves but taking a moment to think about what comes next might be a good idea too. I don’t spend too much time dwelling on it but it is definitely worth thinking about.