Follow Your Dreams, Not Someone Else’s

I was inspired to write this post because schools and colleges are back in action this month and some people may be feeling the way that I was.

I’ve been pretty hard on myself recently. I found myself feeling like I was under pressure to change myself and my life or to achieve something more. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, beautiful enough or as much fun as other people. I even felt like people were looking down upon me because I don’t have as much money as them. I blamed other people in my mind for instilling these feelings within me but I was wrong. The only person to blame is myself and the high expectations I actually have for myself.

Every time I heard someone say “X is starting this course soon” or “Bla bla’s daughter has gotten a promotion” it felt like a personal attack. I viewed these flippant comments as digs towards me. In my head they translated into “They are doing better than you!”. I was being ridiculously harsh with just a hint of paranoid thrown in just to make myself feel a bit worse.

People are proud of me because of who I am and what I do not because I’m like other people. Nobody wants me to be like anyone else because that’s the whole point of being you – you’re obviously unique. I volunteer my time often, I do not judge people, I have two qualifications already and I’m working on getting more, I write regularly for Gaelick (check them out, it’s an Irish lesbian website), I have a successful marriage and I’m good to my family. I’m a good person and that counts for a lot more in my opinion than a degree or an expensive car. What fun is a car if no one is in it with you anyway? That glamorous house will be very empty without life to fill it.

The mistake I made was comparing myself to others and what they’re doing or what they have. That’s them and their choices, not mine. Even if I got the same job as them or the same qualifications it doesn’t mean I would be as happy as them because it’s not what I want to do. I’m sticking to setting my own goals in life. My reflection is way too hard on me but I told that wench to back off. I’m being the best me I can be and that should be good enough.

Look Inside Yourself

A close friend told me that I’m a good writer. Then she told me again. And again. Slowly her words began to sink in.

Sometimes life takes away your confidence and you’re just left with an unused skill that should have been better cared for. Imagine your talent in the form of a bike… if you do not keep your bike indoors when it rains it will become rusty and it will not look as good anymore. Similarly,  if you forget about your gifts during hard times then they will start to lose the beauty you’ve reflected in them.

I have started writing more than ever now. I must admit, some of it is utter rubbish and borderline embarrassing but some of it I’m actually really proud of. I’m starting to believe I’m more in tune with the Chinese New Year (31st January) than the Irish one as my revelation appears to be in line with their date! My confidence is rising slowly. I’ve got this image in my head that my confidence is displayed in a bar like what you see on your phone to depict it’s battery level. My aim is to fill this bar and reach my full confidence snd full potential. Honestly,  it’s a little bit scary to put your words and yourself out there but my method to combat this is to replace the word fear with adrenaline. Alow your adrenaline to be your guide. 

The lesbian community are a powerful one. Rely on them for support. I’ve taken the first steps towards being who I want to be thanks to some people I’ve met in our community. Some of these people I do not know personally but even professional contacts can play their part if you reach out and grab onto their lifeline. Lesbian is not just an orientation. It is a culture and it’s a community full of hope.