Do you ever feel like every move you make is shadowed by judgement? I didn’t feel like that too often until now. Now I feel like something I think is an achievement is not quite good enough. It’s not a good enough qualification or not the right career choice is exactly what has been echoed since I announced my latest decision. The fact that this is exactly what I want almost feels irrelevant at times. For too long I was unsure about what to do with my life but now that I do know I feel proud of myself for taking control and taking steps towards achieving my goals.
I have a long-term plan now for the first time ever so why does it feel like it’s been tainted by the expectations and opinions of others? I know I’m on the right track and I have my hopes and dreams held in my sights. I just hope everything I’m doing is enough to fulfill my ambitions. Admittedly it is difficult to be as excited as I’d like to be about something when it feels like it’s still not good enough. Despite all of that, I am going to gain my qualifications with my head held high.
I was inspired to write this post because schools and colleges are back in action this month and some people may be feeling the way that I was.
I’ve been pretty hard on myself recently. I found myself feeling like I was under pressure to change myself and my life or to achieve something more. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, beautiful enough or as much fun as other people. I even felt like people were looking down upon me because I don’t have as much money as them. I blamed other people in my mind for instilling these feelings within me but I was wrong. The only person to blame is myself and the high expectations I actually have for myself.
Every time I heard someone say “X is starting this course soon” or “Bla bla’s daughter has gotten a promotion” it felt like a personal attack. I viewed these flippant comments as digs towards me. In my head they translated into “They are doing better than you!”. I was being ridiculously harsh with just a hint of paranoid thrown in just to make myself feel a bit worse.
People are proud of me because of who I am and what I do not because I’m like other people. Nobody wants me to be like anyone else because that’s the whole point of being you – you’re obviously unique. I volunteer my time often, I do not judge people, I have two qualifications already and I’m working on getting more, I write regularly for Gaelick (check them out, it’s an Irish lesbian website), I have a successful marriage and I’m good to my family. I’m a good person and that counts for a lot more in my opinion than a degree or an expensive car. What fun is a car if no one is in it with you anyway? That glamorous house will be very empty without life to fill it.
The mistake I made was comparing myself to others and what they’re doing or what they have. That’s them and their choices, not mine. Even if I got the same job as them or the same qualifications it doesn’t mean I would be as happy as them because it’s not what I want to do. I’m sticking to setting my own goals in life. My reflection is way too hard on me but I told that wench to back off. I’m being the best me I can be and that should be good enough.