Scars Reveal my Ghosts

I was starting to wonder why my old ghosts were haunting me so vividly recently but this morning I realised why. March is just around the corner and with that comes the memories of March 2006. That month brought me to my knees as my whole world as I knew it completely changed. When I think back to that month I just remember feeling so fucking lonely. I remember moving house too much to escape the terrors that followed us. I remember sitting on the edge of a rock on a hill near my house with nothing to accompany me except a pen and notebook. I remember being lonely all of the damn time back then. One of the biggest problems I had was my own feelings towards reaching out for help. I felt so bad for reaching out to others that I started to hate myself for doing it. I felt like a heavy burden despite reassurances on the contrary. I self harmed and got drunk because it was easier. Even after I had my list of emergency contacts and after many counselling sessions I still turned to unsafe coping methods. Why? Does that mean I didn’t heal or that I fucked up?

I still believe that my list of contacts and all of the amazing people who dedicated so much of their precious time to me were my saving grace. Without them I could have been so much worse, so much more self destructive. I told myself that I had moved on enough to cope without talking to anyone but in reality I had simply gotten better at hiding my thoughts and ignoring what’s happening right inside of me.

I really want to be different. I want to the type of person that doesn’t spend so much time climbing up a steep and painful hill just to go tumbling back down it. Scars should heal and never be ripped open again, they shouldn’t part to reveal such darkness. I hoped that one day I would just be okay and like it had never happened. That day may never come but I think I’m okay with that. This is just me. “Okay” is my “good”.

Poem – Suicide isn’t for you

I wrote this poem a while ago and I thought I’d share it with you all. We all sometimes need a helping hand, a reminder that everything will be okay. Everybody goes through dark days and even darker struggles but we can survive. Remember that you’re already stronger than you think simply by still getting up everyday.

I’ll walk down every road I meet
I’ll never just sit back in my old cold seat

The world wants you to fail,
expects you to give up trying
Their smiles, meaningless.
They’re all lying.

There’s more than you know out there.
Have you ever stopped, taken the time to care?

It’s not your time to stop wanting more from life.
It’s not your time now, no,
Step back, put down the knife.

The end is too late
But that’s not this time.
Stop holding your breath.
Breathe in life, you’ll be fine

Prove yourself wrong
Carve a home. Belong.
Trust yourself, smile more.
Choose life, choose the open door.

Life is waiting, arms wide.
It’s just a few feet away.
Step forward, step inside.
In it’s arms you can now stay.