An Irish Lesbian's thoughts and observations…

Posts tagged ‘hope’

How Much it Means to Matter

Dear friend,

Tomorrow is spaghetti day which is something I’ve been looking forward to even though I was the one who decided it should happen on a Tuesday. I enjoy looking forward to things even if its something as simple as a meal that I’m going to cook myself. I’m not feeling well physically tonight but my mind is at ease. I’ve been cleaning and throwing out unwanted clutter which always seems to lift my mood. Most people get a buzz from getting something new but I actually get more of a thrill from getting rid of things. Even though these items aren’t actually cluttering up anything I still like to call it decluttering because it helps me to feel like there is more order and organisation surrounding me. How are you doing? Is life treating you well and is it everything you want it to be?

Not too long ago I was feeling like any effort I was making to change my life and better myself was going unnoticed or wasn’t good enough. Perhaps this was a bit of a silly idea but it was a feeling which consumed my thoughts greatly back then. I thought that I’d made bad choices career wise but now I see that I’m heading in the exact direction that I’m destined for. I love being able to help people and make meaningful connections with others so a caring profession is right up my street. I’m going to make a difference, I promise. I see that I can be good for others and I can be a trustworthy, inspiring figure in someone’s life.

Why do I want to make such a difference, you ask. I grew up feeling invisible and unwanted. I felt turned away from social groups, family and my own father. I felt like teachers expected too much and couldn’t see how much help I needed. Friends who promised a lifetime of loyalty when we were teenagers gave up on me so easily so I figured in the end that I didn’t have an important place in the world. I felt that my existence was unnecessary and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way so I’m leaving my mark on this world through helping others. It may sound selfish in ways but I genuinely want to see others live their lives how they want to and I want to help other people to find happiness. I hate seeing other people experiencing the same deep emotional pain I felt for so long. Surely I can help to change the path of at least one person.

I look forward to making more meaningful connections with people and having deep conversations. Life left me frayed around the edges but my core remains warm sending flames of life to my worn exterior. Life is a roller coaster, friend, but always hold on tight and you will make it through anything. That’s what I learned anyway. Things get so much better than you’ll ever believe.

Best wishes,
Alesbianspeaks

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Things Are Looking Brighter

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Things are starting to look up so much. Where I’m heading in life, metaphorically speaking, seems to be a brighter and better place.

A Life Lesson Learnt The Hard Way

One of the biggest lessons I learnt was also one of the hardest. In a moment everything can change and we cannot predict when that moment will arrive. When I was thirteen years old two of my friends were taken away from us in a car crash that almost killed two other kids also. They were the same age as me when they lost their lives while simply travelling home from school. The most difficult thing was that I was forced to learn first hand that even the young aren’t guaranteed to live as long as we hope. Even the young can suffer so much and can leave so quickly before their lives have even really began. It’s terrifying to be ripped from the comfort of your own safe bubble and be cast into the harsh reality of the damage this world can inflict.

When I was twelve I almost went head first through the windscreen of a car following a collision. What saved me was the sun visor. It was pulled down because of the bright sun that was beating down that day so instead of the much worse alternative I hit my head off of that and was slammed back into my seat. I didn’t realise the full extent of how lucky I was at the time. That shock only hit me much later.

The hospitalisation of someone I was once close to really shook me up too. Drugs put him in intensive care fighting for his life. Once he came back from the brink of death he had another battle on his hands as he struggled to regain full functionality of all of his organs.

This brought back memories of a half – brother of mine that I never got to know because of a series of unfortunate events. Drugs took him away from us when he was only twenty two years old.

What happened to these people served to emphasise the fragility of life. It reinforced the idea in my mind that our lives are to be cherished and that the people in them are so very precious. My aunt was recently in intensive care and the doctor in charge of her said that “She had come back from the claws of the devil”. She recovered from her illness, luckily, and is back home now. My family and I are all awaiting tests now which will reveal whether we have inherited a brain aneurysm or any other brain issues which are becoming a very common occurrence within our clan. Life is all too fragile and nobody is invincible or immune to the hardships it brings so I encourage you all to live it. If you need to say something then say it. Love deeply because that could be your greatest legacy. Allow yourself to breathe in hope and exhale experience.

Sending you all kind thoughts and good vibes.
Best wishes,
Alesbianspeaks

Light Shines Even In Our Darkest Moments

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This was the sky here yesterday evening. It’s so beautiful! The sky amazes me. It’s so complex yet it still connects us all together and while we may not see the moon at the same time it is still up there above us all. It’s waiting to shine hope during the darkest of times.

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. – Aristotle Onassis.

Lonely Skye Part Five. The Finale.

As Summer turned into
Autumn Greg’s health rapidly declined. His happiness, however, did not. Each day was captivating and magical. His past life as a female was now a distant memory. Clark often wondered why Greg was so weak but Clark wondered a lot about Greg in general. There’s so much to ask and he had absolutely no idea where to begin. Greg seemed to be at peace with his new found identity. He had even started working in the diner.  This was a huge, brave step for both Greg and Clark. They had nothing to worry about though, Greg was a natural.  He had steadily reagained a healthy figure thanks to the mouth watering food that Clark and Kate made him. His hair was now back combed into a quiff which made him seem sophisticated and made him feel important. A white short sleeved shirt and grey trousers were his preferred attire and he never failed to attract some female attention. Life was better now. A shiver runs down his spine as he recalls the night when he ran away from the homeless shelter. Everything seemed so futile that night. His one true love could barely handle a transgender partner, nevermind a dying transgender partner so the homeless shelter became his only salvation. Acceptance was never far away after all. He sighed. He couldn’t imagine what life would be like without Clark and all he had done for him.
“Clark! I’m going to make dinner tonight for you and Kate” Greg called over his shoulder. Clark grinned “I can’t wait”. That’s settled then, tonight is the night.
Hours later Greg paced up and down the kitchen as he waited for the lasagne and chips to finish cooking. Footsteps startled him and tore him away from his thoughts. He looked up snd saw Kate standing there. She looked like an alternative model. She was amazing. Greg had a soft spot for her, for this breath taking woman. “Hello darling” she she said with a note of excitement in her voice. Greg smiled back. His throat was dry and he was getting really nervous now.
After dinner Greg confessed everything to the two people who saved him. It was the hardest thing he ever had to do. How do you tell someone who changed your life that it is coming to an end soon? They were both shocked and heartbroken.  After what felt like a lifetime of silence Clark spoke softly and slowly “I can’t believe you carried this burden on your own.” A tear slid down Kate’s angelic face. “I love you two more than I could ever show you. You both gave me so much more than you will ever know. You gave me the will to live out my final days as the real me. For that,  I am eternally grateful.” Greg declared. “You will always be remembered Greg, always. The time we have spent together has been great. I just wish it didn’t have to end” Kate’s voice trailed off into a whisper as she began to sob. The grin that spread across Greg’s face was not what they were expecting. “Don’t cry for me now, guys! Can’t you see that I am leaving this world with no regrets. I have loved, laughed and lived life as Greg. I’m complete! Consider me a masterpiece of my own dreams.” Greg surprised himself. He did not have much but he had everything he ever wanted. We should all learn from Greg that our dreams can be achieved. Lean on those around you for support and encouragement and look to yourself because you are stronger than you know.

This Moment

She gasped. Her heart started beating faster and her eyes were glowing. Happiness shot through her body as she got high from the power of the moment. She’s more excited than she ever could have imagined. This moment should last forever. This feeling is so good it should be bottled and sold she thinks to herself. Then she looks through the crowd of people and sees her. Everyone else surrounding them begins to evaporate slowly. The vision of beauty gracefully moves towards her. Each step she takes is breathtaking. Her short hair is shining as the gleam of sunshine coming through the sparkling clear windows hits it. The vision of beauty finally stops beside her and they embrace warmly. This is what she’s been waiting for. This is amazing. They grab each others hands instinctively and look forward simultaneously. The woman in front of them smiles brightly and her words wash over them like a warm wave on a cold winters day. This is the start of their time, their ceremony. They are getting married and this is the beginning of a promising and hopeful future. This is what love is all about and everyone deserves the chance to savour the brilliance of true love and commitment.

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