I’m sure most of you have already heard but I just thought I’d put up this post regardless. Today, the 23rd of May, marks the start of a bright new future for Ireland. The majority of voters said “Yes” to same sex marriage and it feels absolutely wonderful. I woke up this morning and was still unequal but by four o’ clock all of that changed.
People of all ages came out in full force to support this referendum. It was my first time voting and I feel so proud to have made history alongside my fellow voters. My civil partner and I went out canvassing for marriage equality and were met with such mixed reactions that I really didn’t know what result to expect today. Doors were slammed in our faces and we were told by some people that they would be voting “No” to our equality.
The strangest reaction we received was from one gentleman who confidently told us that gay and lesbian people do not exist. Apparently, according to this guy, lesbians are ugly women who can’t get a man and gay men are just guys who don’t have the courage to speak to women. Obviously.
Over the past few days I’ve felt such a mixture of emotions. Seeing the pictures of people returning home from other countries, making the journey home from college and work and going out to vote both alone and with their families has really moved me. Such support is overwhelming and I will never forget how I felt when the results were announced. My partner and I had our civil partnership almost four years ago and have always felt, in a way, like we were married but now this is different. This is not in our minds or in our hearts. This is our love given the validation it deserves. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Recently I have found myself in a number of different work places through education, training and volunteering. The one thing these places all have in common is the fact that they all come with a certain amount of small talk. This small talk revolves around family life, nights out and general interests. You know, the usual stuff. My problem is that I’m struggling to decide either I should come out in these work environments to be honest. It’s not necessary for them to know but even a simple question like “What did you do at the weekend?” has the potential to make you squirm when there’s something you don’t want to reveal.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally out usually and would never lie about my sexuality. I’ve even appeared in a local newspaper in relation to my sexuality! Being out and proud is not the question here – being accepted is. I’m afraid that if I come out in these work places that I may not be granted the same opportunities as others. Is that silly or justified? In Ireland religion still rules a lot of work places attitudes however with the marriage equality referendum in full swing it’s becoming apparent that a lot of people are completely for the equal treatment of same sex couples. It’s easy to come out in a work place which has policies in place that protect LGBT people against discrimination and prejudice. These work places automatically promote equality for all of their staff.
When the people in these workplaces are casually mentioning their families and husbands or wives I’m unsure either I should too. If I met the same people outside of these environments I would absolutely come out to them without hesitation but it feels like I’ve more to lose here. I think that I’m worried partially about being treated unfairly but also about being stuck volunteering in close proximity with someone who may develop ill feelings towards me because of my sexuality. I guess that’s their problem, not mine, but I just want to avoid any hassle.
I would love to tell them all about my wonderful relationship and about the happiness it brings to my life. My other half means the world to me and it upsets me that it isn’t easy for me to share every part of my life with everyone. If the marriage referendum passes with a yes vote then I would love to shout my joy from the rooftops and tell everyone how happy I am to now be able to marry the person I love and have the same rights as a heterosexual couple. I know that a workplace is a professional environment and revelations sbout my personal life shouldn’t be a concern at all but others can freely do it. Can I? What are your experiences with coming out at work?
Last week I found myself in a new course which, of course, equalled to coming out all over again. It’s a natural part of my life as a lesbian but it can be a little bit of an intimidating task when you know you’re going to be in the same class as these people for the next few months. I’m way too proud of who I am to let anyone else change that but you don’t want any hassle either. I’m sure most of you can relate to that.
I let it drop into casual conversation that I have a wife (civil partner) which surprised a lot of people. Why were they surprised? Because I’m a lesbian? Nope! It was actually because I’m so young. I’m 22 but I’m often told that I look younger. The fourth anniversary of our civil partnership is in September which was even more shocking to them. They were impressed by our dedication to each other at such a young age in these modern times and were genuinely happy for us because we have found true love. The fact that my true love is a woman was irrelevant.
Receiving such warmth and acceptance from these people really made me look forward to a future where those kind of responses are the norm. They were actually so accepting that they made me feel like there was actually nothing to accept in the first place. I was not seeking equality in their eyes because to them I’m already equal. Pretty cool, right?
Just wanted to pop up a short post to let all of my followers all over the world know exactly what’s been happening here in Ireland for LGBT people. In case you didn’t already know, on May 22nd a public vote will be held regarding marriage equality. Campaigners are working hard at the moment in the hopes that the yes side will win and the no side are working equally as hard. Some amazing videos have been uploaded in the hopes that we’ll be able to appeal to the public to vote yes. I, like so many other LGBT people and allies, am desperately hoping that history will be made in May.
In 1993 homosexuality was decriminalised in Ireland so, really, we’ve come a long way since then but we still have so much more to achieve. Check out one of my favourite marriage equality promotional videos below and keep your videos crossed for us!
Yesterday they walked together hand in hand as they took their touches for granted. The town is alive with a hive of activity. It’s occupants seem to be too busy to notice. They don’t see the interlocked fingers as sweaty palms embrace. Their gaze does not include the love before them. The open declaration inspires little in it’s wake.
Today I too walked the same crowded streets as I weaved between those too busy to take a breath. Today was different. Right now I am the main attraction as I hold on tightly to her hand. Too many stares penetrated my space. I can suddenly relate to that goldfish confined to such a small bowl, a centrepiece to feast your eyes upon. Foul language and volatile behaviour rain down upon as we continue our nervous march. We exchange a look and silently agree. We will not let go.
Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow equality will welcome us as we march in a proud parade. Our colours will shine as we are given a guard of honour by supporters, children and animals alike. We will march as one to the beat of the same drum as we leave behind our reality to pretend we too can act like them. Tomorrow we will get a taste of what the future might be as we mingle safely in our numbers. Tomorrow I can be me. I can be me safely without judgement, fear or risk. I shall consider that day to be the greatest sample of freedom I could ever be given.
Ireland is actually so bad sometimes at supporting LGBT events in smaller towns. These small towns are the ones who need the support for their LGBT groups and communities the most. These places don’t have drop in centres, LGBT cafés or gay bars. They’re not granted the funding required to enable them to get their own premises so their meeting venues are the most difficult to source. They rarely get any funding at all but have so much passion and so many ideas. This is the reality for any group outside of the cities here in Ireland so putting an event together is even harder for them and advertising it is twice as hard. Night club venues don’t want to offer a room on one of their busy nights so you need to hope that people will bother coming to your event on a night that is not usually worth going out on. There’s so many obstacles so why are our own LGBT community one of them?
It would be so easy to fill a venue if the gay people from each area actually got together and went to these events and brought along their friends or family members. Wouldn’t it be great to just sit and chill at an event full of same sex loving peers? It’s so hard to meet other LGBT people in rural areas so when groups put effort into getting an event together I like to see a good crowd at it but unfortunately that’s rarely the case. Rural based groups from all around Ireland post pictures of their events online and the main thing they usually have in common is poor attendance. Why? I love going to these events when the opportunity arises for so many different reasons yet I am constantly disappointed by the lack of support from other people. A group can’t be held responsible for a lack of public support yet the public must have their reasons too for not attending. We need each other to fill these events and keep these small groups going. Together we can make them bigger and we can help to enable them to be more progressive and successful. It would be so sad if these groups and localised events disappeared, it really would. I hope that doesn’t happen.
Hey all! I have been swamped with assignments hence my absence from WordPress and blog land. The downside – missing out on my virtual socialising, the plus side – an awesome qualification at the end of all this hard work.
I’m hoping that volunteer work is on the horizon for me pretty soon which prompted this thought process… does being butch actually decrease your job opportunities? Will this be a factor in a future employers decision regarding your potential employment? Or does this discrimination only exist in certain types of work? To be honest I’ve never been served in a shop by a butch woman. I actually haven’t encountered one elsewhere either for that matter but I am not sure if that means that butches aren’t being hired or if they’re just not applying for these jobs in particular. Even if they are applying for these jobs it must also be said that a lack of qualifications is a possible reason for them not achieving employment also. It could be any number of reasons really so it’s hard to blame discrimination alone.
Like I already mentioned, I am hoping to get some work experience through volunteer work which will revolve around caring for people who have intellectual disabilities. One thought which struck me recently was “Should I grow my hair? Should I make myself look less butch?”. I know, I know, you should always be true to yourself but I still found myself thinking about how my looks could potentially impact people’s impression of me. I was initially thinking that having longer hair may help my cause but then I got a haircut so I failed big time there. Then I wondered if my small chest is a factor when I’m presumed to be a guy but no way on earth would I be happy wearing something designed to emphasise what little breasts I do have. Wearing make-up just isn’t me… I’d probably end up looking like a drag queen to be honest.
In the end I thought to myself “Why can’t being butch be an asset for me instead of simply being something negative?”. After some research I found out that there is very little out there to help or educate people who have intellectual disabilities and identify as LGBT so this lead me to thinking that I could actually be able to offer some form of support for these people. Maybe sharing my experiences and knowledge could actually inspire understanding and compassion amongst those who have intellectual disabilities. It’s something that many heterosexual workers and volunteers may not feel equipped to handle so perhaps that could be where I can help?
I guess my point is that sometimes your sexuality and your style may be more of an asset than you first realise. Our world is undeniably becoming more accepting and even more fond of us rainbow folk and I’m glad I didn’t even entertain the idea of changing myself to fit in or be more accepted when this energy can be better put into helping to transform attitudes for the better. Right now I’m genuinely pretty excited about the possibility of speaking about a topic that remained taboo for such vulnerable people for so long. I’m feeling determined and ready to play an active role in my community.
I hope all of you are having a great week.
Take care of yourselves. 🙂
Quick post again because I’m super busy lately… Exciting times guys and gals! Tomorrow (or maybe it’s today somewhere) will be our 3rd wedding anniversary! Time has flown by so much but I couldn’t have found a better person to spend it with. It doesn’t feel like three years since we said our vows in front of our friends and family in an intimate venue followed by a buffet, cake and just enough alcohol to toast the occasion.
We’ve grown together as a couple and have grown as individuals with each other’s help. The spark is still there more than ever so that makes this anniversary even more special. Nobody could ever come close to being as amazing as she is to me.
Cherish your loved ones because they are so precious. Don’t settle for someone you like when the one who makes your heart beat faster is out there waiting for you. I found the one who makes my heart beat faster in a dirty pub that is really the very last place that you would think that true love could blossom in yet it did. ‘Chasing Cars’ by Snow Patrol is our song so three guesses what will be on repeat in our house this week… Have a great love filled week everyone!
Best wishes to you all,
I was a naive seventeen year old when I was in a relationship with an older woman. She seemed genuinely interested in our relationship and enjoyed being around me and my friends, even travelling over an hour to just be with us for a short while sometimes. It was not a serious relationship at all and we were both fine with that. I was still going through my “Love isn’t for me” phase back then. I started to enjoy being around her to be honest.
It’s always the things you don’t see or hear that are the most important pieces of the puzzle and that’s exactly what that relationship taught me. After we broke up a friend of mine confessed that a friend of my ex’s actually told him to warn me off of her because she was not a good person. He felt like he would have been speaking out of place and that I wouldn’t appreciate the interference so he chose to keep quiet. That didn’t bother me too much because I didn’t have any emotions invested in the whole situation so I didn’t waste much time thinking about it.
For some unknown reason the ex felt like it was a great idea to contact me and admit to sleeping with several men while we were dating. That stung! I felt surprised that she cared so little. I was actually hurt that I meant so little that it wasn’t even worth remaining faithful in our relationship. I guess I felt like an idiot for thinking that by being a good girlfriend myself that I would be rewarded with the same treatment. I blamed myself and felt ugly. I felt like faulty goods actually. I thought I must have missed some signs. I wondered was that the fact that I hadn’t slept with anyone before and wasn’t willing to sleep with her to blame. I also wondered why someone who claimed to be a lesbian had cheated on me with guys. I hated that I had thought of our relationship as “just fun” but she thought cheating on me was more fun.
Sure, it was far from serious, but it still hurt to be cheated on not once but several times. When I asked her why she did it she simply said “Because I could and it was fun.”
That whole experience made me realise that not every woman, whatever age they may be, will care as much as you do. It also showed me that cheating is all too common and it can happen to any of us for any reason. So many different things motivate people to be unfaithful and, no, it’s not your fault that you were cheated on. The young dreamer within me back then had not yet seen women as just as capable as men at being ignorant to the emotions of fellow ladies. I think a part of me even hoped that women treated each other with the care you’d place on fragile glass. Everyone is capable of hurting you. Too often we forget that. It was a hard lesson to learn but at least I learnt it quite early in life. I know that being cheated on hurts when you aren’t invested in the relationship so I’m sure it would be absolutely heartbreaking if you are.
Today I’d like to tell you all about the confusing, angst ridden ball of fire that was my girlfriend back when I was sixteen. She seemed great at first but everyone does. We met face to face but barely spoke, got talking online a few days later and suddenly I had a girlfriend. I was excited about the new relationship despite the fact that it was sort of long distance with her being almost three hours away which feels very long distance when you’re sixteen.
It turned out that she was a seriously selfish, self obsessed liar with no respect for me at all with no desire to show affection unless someone else seemed interested. She invented an eating disorder that she never actually had as well as lying about some other pretty big stuff. I think she enjoyed the attention that came with these lies but the lying cost her a lot when her friends found out the truth. I think it irritated me most that she had a job and I didn’t yet I was the one expected to pay a small fortune travelling to see her just for her to act like she couldn’t care less if I was there or not. If another woman was talking to me on Bebo (yep, Bebo was the big thing back then) she had to jump in and make her presence known by commenting with “Hey, how’s my girlfriend today?” or something equally intended to mark her territory. She told everyone that I was a great girlfriend so everyone thought our relationship was going brilliantly. Everyone except me. If I had any problems she ran a mile and didn’t want to listen but I still spent hours listening to her issues that ended up being totally fictitious. If I was randomly in her area she was always too busy to spare a few minutes for me. Needless to say that relationship didn’t last long but she did try to remain present in my life popping up every few months.
Years later she was mere background noise that I barely paid attention to anymore. I should have known that something was bound to trigger her possessive nature again and that something was my marriage. A few days before our wedding my wife got a friend request from her and before she could decide either to accept or decline she had also received a private message. This message went like this “Hi, I’m alesbianspeaks’ ex – girlfriend. I hope you’re happy with her and treat her right, like I never could, she definitely deserves it.” I would have perceived this message to be a lot more thoughtful if it wasn’t so self pitying and if it wasn’t also followed by a private message to my own account asking if I was sure I wanted to marry “this person”. She feigned interest in our wedding and the clothes we had chosen to wear before she gave up whatever she was trying to do. I didn’t allow her to penetrate my thoughts further over the days after this communication because, honestly, she was nothing more than my past to me and she belonged there. She wasn’t the worst and I accept that there was some good times with her too but I never had strong feelings for her so leaving her behind was the obvious thing to do. She hung around for another few months virtually before she decided it was time to unfriend me. Her presence didn’t bother me – I think I was beyond caring. Maybe she stayed for a while because she wanted to see if I really seemed happy. I don’t know.
Staying friends with an ex is a complicated issue that is everyone’s own decision to make but some old flames are more hassle to keep around than they’re worth. It’s okay to say see ya around to your past and move on because moving on is essential in life. A big mistake, in my opinion, is to allow an ex to control your future. Nobody should have that power except you. I don’t know anything about her life anymore and that’s perfectly fine by me. I just thought I’d tell you all about her to show you that it is easy for someone to retain power over you if you allow them to and you can only really move forward when you stop allowing this to happen.