Yesterday they walked together hand in hand as they took their touches for granted. The town is alive with a hive of activity. It’s occupants seem to be too busy to notice. They don’t see the interlocked fingers as sweaty palms embrace. Their gaze does not include the love before them. The open declaration inspires little in it’s wake.
Today I too walked the same crowded streets as I weaved between those too busy to take a breath. Today was different. Right now I am the main attraction as I hold on tightly to her hand. Too many stares penetrated my space. I can suddenly relate to that goldfish confined to such a small bowl, a centrepiece to feast your eyes upon. Foul language and volatile behaviour rain down upon as we continue our nervous march. We exchange a look and silently agree. We will not let go.
Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow equality will welcome us as we march in a proud parade. Our colours will shine as we are given a guard of honour by supporters, children and animals alike. We will march as one to the beat of the same drum as we leave behind our reality to pretend we too can act like them. Tomorrow we will get a taste of what the future might be as we mingle safely in our numbers. Tomorrow I can be me. I can be me safely without judgement, fear or risk. I shall consider that day to be the greatest sample of freedom I could ever be given.
For this I just wrote without structure and allowed the words to flow. Here’s the result…
Jane strolled aimlessly along the lonely pathway. The murky water of the river beside her was still as the midday sun reflected in its centre. The chatter of the town was distant which only served to make her feel more alone. She sighed as she stopped to lower herself slowly to the ground. The dry earth appeared to be moving somehow as nature’s creatures marched in unison on their important mission. Jane allowed her mind to wander for a moment. She giggled to herself as she tried to imagine what these little ants were thinking of her. She pictured a small gang of them all gathered together equipped with miniature army helmets and ready to defend their families. They were ready for battle so why wasn’t she? A swan came into view as it drifted gracefully around the corner. Despite being cloaked in solitude this swan held its head high, confident in its own skin. Once this stunning creature was almost close enough to reach out to, Jane began to smile as she noticed it’s arrogance. Dipping in amd out of the water excitedly while still ignoring it’s audience. The swan made her think. She should be capable also of creating her own waves and following her own path. Inspired, she leapt to her feet ready for action. Action was exactly what she was going to get too. For too long she, unlike the swan, was consumed by the judgement of others and the interference she dealt with because she couldn’t find her voice. With her sights and her heart set on her future she could now not only speak out but roar in the face of adversity. If she was going to protect a whole country she must first start by guarding her hopes and her dreams. They were fragile too. She was scheduled to leave next week. She was about to be cast into the relative unknown far away from anything that resembles home yet she knew it was the right thing to do. She was going to make a difference and leave her mark. She, like the brave ants, was ready to be a defender.
It’s difficult to keep throwing out blog posts but especially when you are your own worst critic. I’m critical of myself and my own work to the point of just being downright harsh. Right now however I’m putting those feelings aside in an attempt to reconnect with you all.
What’s been happening for me? I gained two new qualifications and completed two creative writing courses so I’m leaving 2014 feeling accomplished and proud of myself. I set goals for myself and was lucky enough to fulfill my own wishes. The resolution to do this came during the Summer so I also learned that not every great resolution starts on January 1st.
I was foolish enough to think that items were going to make me happy. Then I figured that people might make me happy. Now I get it. I really genuinely get it. I was already happy just the way I was/am without being surrounded by people who drag me down or make me feel bad about myself. I enjoy owning certain items but that enjoyment could never compare to the happiness I feel in the company of my wife. I once wished that I’d be surrounded by a dozen people I could call my friends but when I actually had this I was more miserable than ever. Moral of this story: I don’t need to follow a recipe to make me happy and I certainly won’t find this happiness in others. Luckily, I found it in myself. If you find yourself thinking that having loads of people in your life will make you happy then think again because it may not be as simple as that. I’m looking forward to the future but I’ve started planning it rather than hoping for good things to happen. I’m loving taking control over my journey.