It’s difficult to keep throwing out blog posts but especially when you are your own worst critic. I’m critical of myself and my own work to the point of just being downright harsh. Right now however I’m putting those feelings aside in an attempt to reconnect with you all.
What’s been happening for me? I gained two new qualifications and completed two creative writing courses so I’m leaving 2014 feeling accomplished and proud of myself. I set goals for myself and was lucky enough to fulfill my own wishes. The resolution to do this came during the Summer so I also learned that not every great resolution starts on January 1st.
I was foolish enough to think that items were going to make me happy. Then I figured that people might make me happy. Now I get it. I really genuinely get it. I was already happy just the way I was/am without being surrounded by people who drag me down or make me feel bad about myself. I enjoy owning certain items but that enjoyment could never compare to the happiness I feel in the company of my wife. I once wished that I’d be surrounded by a dozen people I could call my friends but when I actually had this I was more miserable than ever. Moral of this story: I don’t need to follow a recipe to make me happy and I certainly won’t find this happiness in others. Luckily, I found it in myself. If you find yourself thinking that having loads of people in your life will make you happy then think again because it may not be as simple as that. I’m looking forward to the future but I’ve started planning it rather than hoping for good things to happen. I’m loving taking control over my journey.
These footsteps are now as light as my new attire
My heart is now as warm as a winter fire
I’m in sync with my face for the first time in oh so long
I smile through the saddest words and dance to every song
Wearing black and living in darkness just isn’t my style
It was a dark phase for only a short while
The night is lost as I drown in waves of morning promises
Shaking with happiness I catch all of your wet kisses
I am painted in good fortune, happy in my newest skin
It doesn’t take luck to beat the odds, to win.
Today I woke up in a foul mood and because of something insignificant I got annoyed and thought that today was going to be a bad day before it even started. I was never destined to be a psychic, thankfully, and today turned out to be a great day in the end. It was a number of small things that fit together to form a neat little puzzle. When I thought about this puzzle it was the image of a good day.
In the past I was so negative for so long that it became a habit to see every glass and every day as half empty rather than full of possibilities. Negativity consumed me so much. It didn’t achieve anything good. It made me feel so small and worthless. I began to feel like no one (or not many people at least) would even notice or care if I wasn’t around and that’s not a good place to be. I began to think of myself as disposable. I thought that I was a horrible person because I must be if people don’t want to be around me, right? The group of friends I had as a teenager all disappeared leaving me feel like I was never really someone special to them. I realise that people grow apart which is normal, of course, but I’m the only one from our group of friends that is no longer part of it. I’m the only one that was pushed away. Why? What did I do wrong? Since that group of friends I haven’t been able to maintain a single close friendship. I do try to. I began to think that I wasn’t good enough, fun enough or smart enough for anyone except my wife.
I now find it very difficult to trust others especially when they make promises. A healthy amount of scepticism is probably a good thing. A healthy amount of negativity can act to protect us from bad ideas but it’s our positivity that gives our lives the power to grow. I won’t be dismissing a whole day again because that day can bring you so much happiness if you just let it.