An Irish Lesbian's thoughts and observations…


Today I woke up in a foul mood and because of something insignificant I got annoyed and thought that today was going to be a bad day before it even started. I was never destined to be a psychic, thankfully, and today turned out to be a great day in the end. It was a number of small things that fit together to form a neat little puzzle. When I thought about this puzzle it was the image of a good day.

In the past I was so negative for so long that it became a habit to see every glass and every day as half empty rather than full of possibilities. Negativity consumed me so much. It didn’t achieve anything good. It made me feel so small and worthless. I began to feel like no one (or not many people at least) would even notice or care if I wasn’t around and that’s not a good place to be. I began to think of myself as disposable. I thought that I was a horrible person because I must be if people don’t want to be around me, right? The group of friends I had as a teenager all disappeared leaving me feel like I was never really someone special to them. I realise that people grow apart which is normal, of course,  but I’m the only one from our group of friends that is no longer part of it. I’m the only one that was pushed away. Why? What did I do wrong? Since that group of friends I haven’t been able to maintain a single close friendship. I do try to. I began to think that I wasn’t good enough, fun enough or smart enough for anyone except my wife.

I now find it very difficult to trust others especially when they make promises. A healthy amount of scepticism is probably a good thing. A healthy amount of negativity can act to protect us from bad ideas but it’s our positivity that gives our lives the power to grow. I won’t be dismissing a whole day again because that day can bring you so much happiness if you just let it.

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