An Irish Lesbian's thoughts and observations…


Today I’d like to tell you all about the confusing, angst ridden ball of fire that was my girlfriend back when I was sixteen. She seemed great at first but everyone does. We met face to face but barely spoke, got talking online a few days later and suddenly I had a girlfriend. I was excited about the new relationship despite the fact that it was sort of long distance with her being almost three hours away which feels very long distance when you’re sixteen.

It turned out that she was a seriously selfish, self obsessed liar with no respect for me at all with no desire to show affection unless someone else seemed interested. She invented an eating disorder that she never actually had as well as lying about some other pretty big stuff. I think she enjoyed the attention that came with these lies but the lying cost her a lot when her friends found out the truth. I think it irritated me most that she had a job and I didn’t yet I was the one expected to pay a small fortune travelling to see her just for her to act like she couldn’t care less if I was there or not. If another woman was talking to me on Bebo (yep, Bebo was the big thing back then) she had to jump in and make her presence known by commenting with “Hey, how’s my girlfriend today?” or something equally intended to mark her territory. She told everyone that I was a great girlfriend so everyone thought our relationship was going brilliantly. Everyone except me. If I had any problems she ran a mile and didn’t want to listen but I still spent hours listening to her issues that ended up being totally fictitious. If I was randomly in her area she was always too busy to spare a few minutes for me. Needless to say that relationship didn’t last long but she did try to remain present in my life popping up every few months.

Years later she was mere background noise that I barely paid attention to anymore. I should have known that something was bound to trigger her possessive nature again and that something was my marriage. A few days before our wedding my wife got a friend request from her and before she could decide either to accept or decline she had also received a private message. This message went like this “Hi, I’m alesbianspeaks’ ex – girlfriend. I hope you’re happy with her and treat her right, like I never could, she definitely deserves it.” I would have perceived this message to be a lot more thoughtful if it wasn’t so self pitying and if it wasn’t also followed by a private message to my own account asking if I was sure I wanted to marry “this person”. She feigned interest in our wedding and the clothes we had chosen to wear before she gave up whatever she was trying to do. I didn’t allow her to penetrate my thoughts further over the days after this communication because, honestly, she was nothing more than my past to me and she belonged there. She wasn’t the worst and I accept that there was some good times with her too but I never had strong feelings for her so leaving her behind was the obvious thing to do. She hung around for another few months virtually before she decided it was time to unfriend me. Her presence didn’t bother me – I think I was beyond caring. Maybe she stayed for a while because she wanted to see if I really seemed happy. I don’t know.

Staying friends with an ex is a complicated issue that is everyone’s own decision to make but some old flames are more hassle to keep around than they’re worth. It’s okay to say see ya around to your past and move on because moving on is essential in life. A big mistake, in my opinion, is to allow an ex to control your future. Nobody should have that power except you. I don’t know anything about her life anymore and that’s perfectly fine by me. I just thought I’d tell you all about her to show you that it is easy for someone to retain power over you if you allow them to and you can only really move forward when you stop allowing this to happen.

Take care,
Best wishes,
Alesbianspeaks

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Comments on: "Let’s Speak About My Obsessive Ex" (16)

  1. I met up with a guy yesterday, have seen or talked to in months. Already wants to come and visit (lives ~3 hrs away), rent a room (bc I live with my folks, no way he’s coming over), and sleep together. Told him couldn’t afford it. He said he’d pay for everything. Told him I didn’t do that, I go Dutch or go home. He was angry. Turns out he is the daddy type. Told him not interested at all. Starts making me the bad guy and toying with his feelings. Last I checked he didn’t ask if I wanted to sleep over.

    I never stayed friends with my exes. Too complicated. Have a crush on a coworker. But I value his friendship too much. I would rather date a friend than a stranger, but it has led to ruined friendships. Oh, the irony!

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  2. I think my ex is only interested in being my friend so she can see how miserable I am without her. I’m not giving her the satisfaction. She wants me to want her but she doesn’t want me.

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    • I’m glad you’re not giving her the pleasure of seeing you upset. It’s horrible for someone to gain such satisfaction from other’s misery. You’ll move on from her in time and in the meantime keep in mind that keeping busy is a great way to keep your mind off of anything that may be hard to think about and after a while, hopefully, you will be able to handle everything way better than before.

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  3. Creepy. I asked my friend Sarah the other day if she’d met anyone yet. She said, “I did, I thought she was really nice, but then she turned out to be crazy.” This girl sounds like your crazy. None of what you describe sounds like healthy behaviour.

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    • Crazy definitely shouldn’t be on anyone’s list of what they seek in a partner, haha. I’m glad your friend saw that woman’s true colours!
      Nope, it’s not healthy at all and nobody ever has the right to treat you the way I was treated by that girl. It is ridiculous that some people seriously think they can treat you whatever way they like and assume that you’ll just put up with it. It’s much healthier to recognise their behaviour as being so negative and move on 🙂

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  4. We certainly have to kiss a lot of frogs…

    I don’t keep in touch with any of my ex-girlfriends or boyfriends. There are some I regret for mistakes made on my side and some I regret for ever letting in my life at all, but I guess we need to tread these paths in order to become the people we are today.

    I’m glad you’re in a more positive space now and got out of what was obviously a negative relationship – and you’re absolutely right about the power people can hold over you if you let them.

    Best wishes 🙂
    Olly x

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    • Try not to be hard on yourself about anything that’s happened in the past. We all have to make mistakes in order to learn. Hindsight is a great thing but unfortunately it always arrives a little too late. If you learn from something, take something good from the bad, then it’s certainly not something worth regretting in my opinion 🙂

      I don’t keep in touch with any of my exes either but I don’t necessarily have anything against them all, I simply don’t feel the need to keep them in my life.

      My current relationship is the best I’ve ever had for so many reasons. I can see now how great this relationship is compared to others but at least the others each taught me how a relationship shouldn’t be. All the bad can really make you appreciate the good.

      Take care of yourself Olly and thank you for commenting 🙂

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  5. Yep to all that. Holding onto exes and past friends is fine if it costs you nothing, but time to get rid if they make a pain of themselves.

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  6. I agree that sometimes it’s best for a persons sanity to leave their exes in the past. I’ve always been a firm believer that after a break up (at least for a little while) a policy of no contact is best. It’s hard to be objective about your former partners life when the pain and confusion is still so fresh.
    One of the things that my ex and I would argue about early on, was her continuing to try to have a friendship with her ex. The friendship wasn’t what I objected to, it was this same possessiveness that you described. Her ex would question her about where we had spent our weekend, if I was “healthy” for the kids, if I knew about this detail or that. I sometimes felt like I was having to justify my existence in a persons life to someone that had no right to expect that from me.
    I’ve been told by others that not striving to maintain a friendship with some of my exes is unhealthy, but for me, I think the unhealthy part is allowing someone to continue to influence your life after the part they play in your growth is over.
    Thank you for the post. Another’s perspective is always appreciated!

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    • I totally agree with your policy of no contact. It opens your eyes to who they really are and gives you the hindsight you may need too. Plus keeping in touch confuses things further and really isn’t healthy for moving on so I actually think your way is best and the healthiest option!

      I think maintaining contact too early almost allows the ex to retain a sense of ownership because of their knowledge of you and results in behaviour such as what you had to endure at the hands of your ex’s ex. Let’s face it, that behaviour isn’t good for anyone in the situation.

      Thank you for sharing your experience. It was great to get some insight into how things were for you.

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  7. Well said! We are definitely moving in the right direction nowadays

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  8. Oy, some exes can be as clingy as Saran Wrap! I’m glad that you finally got out of there, but what a nightmare! I’ve had exes that have pulled the whole possesive nature and twisted it totally out of whack, to the point that she would get obsessive and clingy when I would be exchanging small talk with the grocery store cashier. Yeah, it was bad. It’s really difficult to gauge exactly how bad a situation is when you’re so young and naive. You just want to be happy with the perfect relationship and you’ll jump over whatever hurdles come your way…I totally get it. You summed up a pretty accurate retelling of one of my past relationships.
    Some people just can’t handle not having a spotlight on them in any shape or form, and they’ll do what they have to to keep it shining on them. That was pretty sleazy of her to take it upon herself and message you about your wedding and “the person” that you would be marrying. I guess that was her last little flicker that finally died out.
    I’m glad that everything is going your way again, and good riddance to the exes!

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    • The clingy ones are one of the worst you can have… I don’t mind a bit of clingy in small doses but to the extent that the two of us had to endure – no, thank you! When I was with her I felt drained, worthless and really down. I actually kinda felt like her puppet really. Getting clingy at a checkout though, major red light flashing there! You’re definitely better off without that girl.

      I think contacting me about my wedding was her foolishly believing that she still had some sort of hold over me and could still get me to do whatever pleased her but those days were long gone. Exes are stepping stones to the right person 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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