Missing you, family emergencies and changes

I love you but I must say goodbye – Walking on Cars

You know what wrecks my head? One of the things in life that I still struggle to comprehend… losing people. I am the kind of person that tries so bloody hard to be a good person and a good friend yet the people I was once closest to are now gone. That’s pretty hard to digest. It’s almost impossible to remember such good people without wishing things were the same. I know it may be a childish notion to hope for things to remain unchanging and for people to stay loyal but I know it would make life better in some ways. I miss them so very much. Life goes on but I can’t help questioning how much they really cared, if they ever did.

A few nights ago I had to deal with a very delicate family emergency. I was the one that had to step up and deal with things. Be the strong one for everyone else, be calm, smart and decisive. I realised then that everything had changed. My Mom, aunts and uncles all used to treat me like I was still a child but now I’m the carer and the protector. I always hated that treatment anyway so the change is welcome yet the pressure felt immense. I was out all night until about 5am and ended up in two different hospitals. Trying, helping, in any way I could.

Things are constantly changing so why is that so hard to deal with? Why do I want to hold onto some parts of the past and never let go? It’s a good life that we are all living but the obstacle course is quite a challenge.