An Irish Lesbian's thoughts and observations…

Scars Reveal my Ghosts


I was starting to wonder why my old ghosts were haunting me so vividly recently but this morning I realised why. March is just around the corner and with that comes the memories of March 2006. That month brought me to my knees as my whole world as I knew it completely changed. When I think back to that month I just remember feeling so fucking lonely. I remember moving house too much to escape the terrors that followed us. I remember sitting on the edge of a rock on a hill near my house with nothing to accompany me except a pen and notebook. I remember being lonely all of the damn time back then. One of the biggest problems I had was my own feelings towards reaching out for help. I felt so bad for reaching out to others that I started to hate myself for doing it. I felt like a heavy burden despite reassurances on the contrary. I self harmed and got drunk because it was easier. Even after I had my list of emergency contacts and after many counselling sessions I still turned to unsafe coping methods. Why? Does that mean I didn’t heal or that I fucked up?

I still believe that my list of contacts and all of the amazing people who dedicated so much of their precious time to me were my saving grace. Without them I could have been so much worse, so much more self destructive. I told myself that I had moved on enough to cope without talking to anyone but in reality I had simply gotten better at hiding my thoughts and ignoring what’s happening right inside of me.

I really want to be different. I want to the type of person that doesn’t spend so much time climbing up a steep and painful hill just to go tumbling back down it. Scars should heal and never be ripped open again, they shouldn’t part to reveal such darkness. I hoped that one day I would just be okay and like it had never happened. That day may never come but I think I’m okay with that. This is just me. “Okay” is my “good”.

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Comments on: "Scars Reveal my Ghosts" (5)

  1. I am so sorry that you had those experiences as a child. None of it was your fault. None of it.

    I had a similar childhood. None of the trauma was ever addressed until last year, when I was age 50. I hope that you will find a therapist who works for you. I used to scoff at therapy. No longer.

    Wishing you strength and happiness.

    Like

  2. Vicky Louise said:

    Lets hope March 2015 is a much better month than that of 2006, and an even better month than that of March 2014!

    Have a supportive cyber hug from me! ❤

    Like

  3. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’d like to dovetail your comments with the corollary of PTSD. So many Veterans are ashamed to have PTSD. They, as you did, often turn to self-destructive behavior because it’s simply easier than admitting defeat. We’re conditioned to believe that we can overcome anything, but when we experience a world-altering event, it could be combat or a violent assault, we have cognitive dissonance between the two thoughts (I can overcome anything & I can’t overcome this event.) We start to feel shame not only for the event, but our feelings afterward.

    It’s not until we understand that others have experienced not only the event, but also the tribulation that follows from without and within, that we can move toward acceptance of our situation. I’ve admired your strength at being so candid with your past. I firmly believe that there could be someone out there suffering the way you did, and I know your declaration that the feelings you had and continue to work through helps people in the same situation.

    There really is a strength through sharing and mutual understanding.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Vicky Louise said:

      (and a hug for you Mark 😉 ) Thank you for your sacrifices and all you have done! Much respect to you!

      Like

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